One of the hardest skills I have had to learn, and probably one of the most influential on my life is the DBT distress tolerance skill of radical acceptance. In her DBT Workbook (2014), Marsha Linehan laid out what radical acceptance was, why we should use it, what radical acceptance was not, and how to actually do the radically accepting thing. In this blog entry, I want to share this skill with you and share a time when it has helped me overcome a very tough reality in my own life.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Complete and intentional. You cannot “half-ass” radical acceptance.
Using strategies that incorporate the mind and body. Draw those shoulders back and down.
Letting go of anger and bitterness. Radical acceptance is the opposite to anger.
Why Accept Reality?
Rejecting reality won’t change it
Change requires acceptance first
Pain is an inevitable part of life
Acceptance reduces suffering
Failure to accept typically yields painful emotions
After sadness, calmness often follows
The way through difficult times is through
Radical Acceptance is NOT
Approval
Compassion
Love
Passivity
Against Change
How do you practice radical acceptance?
There are a number of things in my life that I have had to radically accept including but not limited to job loss, divorce and certain long-lasting family dynamics. One of the hardest things I have ever had to accept is having one of my loved ones become and remain unhoused for the last 5 years. Here is an example of how all the steps of radical acceptance can apply to this situation and many others.
Observe that you are not currently accepting reality. Notice what you are thinking, feeling or doing that is not accepting. Nonacceptance can show up in many forms, including feelings like anger or thoughts of denial. If I am nonaccepting, I may have feelings of anger toward my loved one, denying the very obvious housing crisis in our city. It is important to notice these feelings and thoughts to move toward acceptance.
Describe what is really happening as objectively and nonjudgeentally as you can. If I am not accepting, I could say some pretty judgemental things about the situation. Instead I remind myself that my loved one is unhomed and leave my judgements about that at the door.
Acknowledge how things happened. Everything that happens has a cause and is not random. As much as I hate to admit it, there were a series of events, choices and system failures that lead to the current situation. I wknoeldge these events and they help me to accept things are they currently are.
Incorpforate mind and body to help facilitate a more accepting state. When I am not accepting I often find myself rounding my body and maybe even clenching my firsts. It’s that anger again. To help me find acceptance I relax my hands and relax my shoulders.
Do the opposite of nonacceptance. Let’s say I feel angry that my loved one won’t accept my help. Nonacceptance would be continuing to try and pursue them and make them accept my help. Acceptance is backing off and keeping the door open should change occur, without the expectation that it will..
Cope ahead for a time when acceptance could be challenging for you. I might imagine myself running into my loved one at a lcoal convenicnce store or c-train stop and imagine myself giving them the space to approach me, without approaching them. Imagining myself doing this ahead of time makes it easier for me to do this should the situation actually present itself.
Notice body sensations as you attempt to accept reality. What we resist persists and what we noticed eventually dissolves. I notice the aching sensation in my heart when it snows outside. I allow myself to feel this sensation until it naturally subsides and I move forward with the day.
Allow sadness and disappointment to arise. It is completely understandable to feel sadness about many things, such as a loved one struggling. Allowing myself to experience these feelings on occasion helps me stay in an accepting place and helps to prevent me from shifting back into non-acceptance, denial and anger.
Acknowledge that life is worth living even when things don’t always turn out the way we hope they would. I would love more than anything to go for coffee and offer support to my loved one, and I know that just isn't “in the cards”. Instead, I remind myself that my life is worth living and it it is okay to be happy, even with this harsh reality in it.
Do a pros and cons to accepting this reality if you are still struggling to find acceptance. This means mayking a 4 way pros and cons about accepting reality vs not. Doing so can help you see the importance of acceptance reality and help you find acceptance when you inevitably fall away from it.
In order to achieve radical acceptance you need not go through each and every step each time. These are 10 options for you to choose from. Sometimes one step willbe enough and sometimes you will need to employ several to reach your accepting place. What is most important is that you intentionally use these steps over and over because acceptance is not a permanent state.
If you find yourself still struggling to wrap your mind arround radical acceptance and how to achieve it, don’t hesitate to reach out and book a session. It would be my pleasure to share more about this skill with you.
Below are two videos that help explain the concept of radical acceptance further:
References:
Linehan, M., (2014). DBT Training Manual. New York, NY: The Guilford Press
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